Sleep Paralysis

By: SG (Single Girl)™

My Jupiter frequency playing,

too loudly.

One figure appeared,

and paralysis entered uninvited.

Multiple voices disguised as the familiar.

It came in, over my body, like a tight weight.

The weight couldn’t be moved.

Somehow heavy, yet weightless,

at the same time.

science says…

it’s all because you wake up

before REM sleep is finished.

If it’s your imagination,

why does it feel so real?

Is the indescribable fright

anything science can explain?

First it feels like a tugging hug.

The more you try to scream,

the less you can.

“Don’t hurt me. Don’t hurt me.”

I thought I said out loud,

but may have only been in my dreamland.

“Why are you here?”

Leave my soul alone, I spoke again in my head.

Sleep is too sacred for this.

I’m stronger than an illusion

or dream hallucination.

How many times in a lifetime can this happen?

Control mind over matter.

Ego, the demon, and voices are gone now.

And once and for all for good?

And sleep must inevitably come again…

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Sleepless and dateless in South Florida

Unlike Tom Hanks in Sleepless in Seattle, I don’t have a legitimate reason for my sleepless nights. In the movie, he was mourning the loss of a deceased spouse. I just worry too much. Night and day difference.

As far as the movie reference goes, hope there are other 80’s babies out there that will appreciate it. To give a rundown of a typical sleepless night for me: I’ll research online about what year Sleepless and Seattle came out (1993, by the way), then I’ll stumble on Tom Papa comedy, which makes me stumble on Seinfeld comedy, then I tell myself I have to write, but then I’m too tired to write or don’t know what I’m meant to write about. After all the internet surfing you also have to keep in mind I’m taking in all that blue light from my cell phone for hours at a time. Lose, lose situation with a dash of overkill. Then like I’m in a faint dream, I see the sunrise. It still feels as glorious as if I didn’t stink from staying up all night. Then my mind thinks I’m supposed to be awake at that point. You see how this ends up being a complete nosedive? I get zero sleep or nights when I’m lucky if l get a few hours.

I’ve tried all the remedies too. Melatonin, Advil PM, and the old fashioned just being utterly exhausted. I’ve grown tolerance to most of these solutions. Now, throw in not dating to the mix, and you’ll understand why I’m searching, or well, at least looking for some writing therapy . The last guy I dated, of course another one that wasn’t my type, was the one I wrote about in my December post, I really like you a lot. This was about him telling me he liked me, when the same feelings weren’t reciprocated on my end. That’s going on six months ago, with no serious dating since 2013, and without a boyfriend since 2010. Yes, 2010. I’m over the sleepless nights. I’m over hearing I have to heal from the past and current relationships first. I’m over feeling I’m just not ready to open the door and receive a respectful, sparking, fireworks kind of love. Come on Universe, it’s been seven plus years.  I’m here on this blog to announce I’m ready. I’m deserving of this. And if some healing has to happen, it will have to take place  while I’m getting to know my new match.  I’m going to be reminded of the quote below and get outside my comfort zone. I’m going to go entirely outside my comfort zones. Comfort zones are a false sense of security anyways, and nothing, I repeat, nothing ever grows there.  I also smell one more year until a 25th movie anniversary for Sleepless. They don’t make them like that anymore. I’m hopeful for a few movies I saw coming out this year though, one is called The Big Sick. As a side note, I adore Tom Hanks too. He had my heart in this movie, and still has it now with his recent Saturday Night Live skits. And Tom Papa with his, “have you lost weight?… “You’re doing the best you can.” It’s exactly the humor I need to hear right now! What can I say, I love comedy, and like a hybrid fairy and Cherub, I love romance.

Taking my own advice and giving it out to all of you at the same time: Get out there, take that big leap of faith outside your comfort zone, and watch how fast miracles unfold. 
“People who truly loved once, are far more likely to love again”, Sleepless in Seattle

SG

I just haven’t met you yet…

I was doing some debating in my head about guys that disappear, and then reappear. You see, I’m one of those females that have a hard time just looking at one side of the picture, so I dig for more facts. The facts that are supposed to help me choose a side, only cause more confusion most the time. So these guys vanish. Of course it matters if you go all bat shit on them, get too clingy too fast, but sometimes you may do nothing wrong at all. How the experts explain it, a guy’s worth is solely determined by how well he can make a chick happy. As Mathew Boggs says, this validates his sense of self, so if he feels he can make you happy and be the romantic partner to you that you desire, his worth is defined. If not, or he decides after the effort he put in with you that he doesn’t like you, the vanishing acts happen.  It allows the door to be open for him to reappear, and allows him to not have to man up and talk to you directly about it. And from my personal experience, this means he can reappear after however long of a length of time that he wants to. Boggs’ dating advice  is similar to Matthew Hussey, but his solutions are a lot more spiritual and law of attraction based. I think that’s cool in my opinion. Here’s Boggs full take here:

He says the steps to handle this are to remind yourself there is a great guy out there for you, release don’t resist, and finally bring yourself to state of gratitude about the situation. Be grateful the guy is leaving the opening there for someone better to come into your life. So absorbing in all Boggs’ advice, I am connecting the Michael Buble song I just haven’t met you yet. It’s kind of genius. I am saying to myself, sure I might’ve just saw a guy last week from my past, that I haven’t dated since 2011, but had sex with in 2013, blah, blah, blah, but it doesn’t matter. I’ve had over a dozen guys do the vanishing and reappearing act on me. Guys I dated briefly, guys I dated seriously, ex-boyfriends, and guys that were only flings. I am saying goodbye to all of that, and releasing it. I am perfect with saying I’m ready for these guys not to return. Period! Just new beginnings and fresh starts. Like Boggs said, my great guy is out there for me, and as Buble points out, I just haven’t met him yet.  

Xo- SG

Amy Poehler’s the shit. 

In Poehler’s book Yes, Please she writes an apology letter from the brain and apology letter from the heart. She explains the brain cares about the facts, but it’s more important to listen to the feelings.

I’m still upset with both right now because, per usual, I have a lot going on in my personal life. I enjoyed her creative writing anyhow, even through my normal day to day doses of chaos. She is beyond a smart girl, like her organization’s namesake. She’s tough and soft at the same time. She is strong and awesome and funny. Enjoy the letters and related quotes of hers below.

Follow your heart but take your brain with you?…Nah, follow your heart, even when it leads to utter nonsense,

SG

  
“Your brain is not your friend when you need to apologize. Your brain and your ego and your intellect all remind you of the ‘facts.’ … Shame is difficult. It’s a weapon and a signal. It can paralyze or motivate.”

“A word about apologizing: It’s hard to do it without digging yourself in deeper. It’s also scary and that’s why we avoid the pain. We want so badly to plead our case and tell our story. The bad news is that everybody has a story. Everyone has a version of how things went down and how they participated. It’s hard to untangle facts and feelings.”

“Any painful experience makes you see things differently. It also reminds you of the ample truths that we purposely forget every day or else we would never get out of bed. Things like, nothing lasts forever and relationships can end. The best that can happen is you learn a little more about what you can handle and you stay soft through the pain. Perhaps you feel a little wiser. Maybe your experience can be of help to others.”

Debra Berndt lecture

First, I recommend totally ignoring the title of this YouTube video and just pay attention to Berndt’s teachings. Second, the sound quality is a little poor, so grin and bear? She talks worlds about how belief systems form even from when your in your mother’s womb. Also, what girl hasn’t experienced putting a guy on a pestedal, like she explains? The important thing to take from that though, is the guy on the other end of the spectrum,  the guy that the girl doesn’t dig all that much, but is crazy about her, is really just as a backwards relationship because it’s not true love.  Debra Bernt is amazing! 

Unrequited love and letting go of the past…

I’m a millennial, making it into the classification of the age group born throughout the 80’s and 90’s. I was an eighties baby, like that really matters?  In the grand scheme of things? Nah, it doesn’t matter at all. I’m in my thirties however, and I’ve  never been married and exhausted online dating to the max. I’m also taking stock in the enormous amount of intense energy going on lately, you see, we just had another Mercury retrograde that was in the sign of Gemini. The retrograde lasted from the end of May until June 10ish. In my world, instead of just screwing with communication and technology like a retrograde tends to do, it had a personal affect on me of nostalgia. I feel I was nostalgic to the point of it being pretty detrimental. I even had an old family friend say, “hey, I’ve been stuck before too, I don’t want to see you do that for too long.” I listened to Bush’s Swallowed, a 1996 or 1997 release? Also posted an old picture of my family asking why I couldn’t be that skinny again. The whole nine yards.

All this made me really reflective. What do I want to change, what do I want romantically, what do I have the control to change? I was all focused on my heart chakra but maybe a better intention would have been to my solar plexus chakra, the chakra of power, the chakra of your in depth identity. To give background on my past, and understanding how those two chakras are dysfunctional with me, before the age of full blown internet dating, I had two previous guys I lived with that caused some scarring.  

The first one I met when I was only 22, he was about six years older than me. He had a drinking problem, but I still thought he he was best thing next to sliced bread. We lived together after a reasonable amount of time dating, a little less than a year. I was working and still going to school since I was younger, and he was only working. So, you see our pages were all off. He was on chapter 9, I was only on chapter 4. I eventually started drinking more when I lived with him. There were fights but nothing abusive in the fighting so to speak. He ended up cheating on me when he was away for business in Amsterdam. Yep, one of those window girls. I was young and thought I was in love with him. I tried to salvage the whole thing but knew it would end soarly because of the cheating. The question I always asked myself, did it matter less because it wasn’t someone he was in love with?  Of course it didn’t matter. Being my over analytical self I even preyed out more information from him than I should’ve even wasted my energy on. 

The second guy I lived with I met online. He was crazy about me, and had a great family. I fell more in love with his family than I did with him.  He moved himself in to my place only after a month of knowing me. Only a few more months after that we moved in together, just the two of us. He was a bigger guy when we met but he gained over thirty pounds over the course of our two year relationship. He was physically and verbally abusive by the end of it all. Serious crap I should have never forgave more than once. By the second time, I said, no more.  The respect in the relationship by that point was nonexistent. And believe me ladies, the emotional abuse part of that is just as serious. Read the warning signs of an emotionally abusive relationship here.  This guy didn’t give up, and years after our breakup I had to change my phone number because he was cyber stalking me through emails and text. 

After that relationship ended, I was already almost 28 or 29. It took me 6 months to even think about dating. My sister tried to set me up once or twice with no luck of even a face to face meeting working out. So I went back to the online dating, using it now for years without success.  With online dating I feel I’ve met guys I had intellectual connections with but no physical connection and obviously vice versa. So many guys out there now are only looking for a fling, a sugar mama, or a supermodel.  I don’t desire to be part of any of that, not even the fling part anymore. It’s easy to lose yourself in another’s bigger issue, or lose yourself in your past,  or even in your own fears. It’s okay. That’s where control comes in. It’s not just outer control either. It’s control inside yourself. Your inner world reflects your outer world. It may mean a conversation you want to have with someone that will never happen, it may mean saying I love you to someone that doesn’t say it back, or it may just mean an unbalanced amount of control to one person in the relationship. That’s life. We all have soulmates, and you can definitely have more than one, that are there to just teach you lessons. So I say pay attention, even if that soulmate doesn’t stay in the picture long. 

 I decided to write about all this when I normally would feel too inhibited to do so as a release. It’s my way of saying enough about the past, it’s time for new beginnings. It’s time to let go and move on. So I may have never been married but I could’ve still had the domestic violence or petty cash civil court cases. I’ve could’ve had a lot worse off scernios, but court wasn’t my past. My past was abusive and neglect and now that I see that, I can open my eyes to how I do these same things to myself. I can then lessen my own pain that way.  The lessons are always there, and I’ll continue to search inside and out, knowing a little more today about what I want than I did yesterday.  I’m looking to recharge my solar plexus chakra while still healing my heart chakra as well.

   
 

“I have spoke with the tongue of angels    

I have held the hand of a devil

It was warm in the night

I was cold as a stone

But I still haven’t found

What I’m looking for

But I still haven’t found

What I’m looking for “- U2


Releasing to move forward, 
The short and fiesty girl

The Mastery of Love by Ruiz

  

 

The Mastery of Love by Ruiz was given to me as a recommendation from a life coach I’ve kept in touch with. I was getting my thoughts  together to journal about it but for some reason my mind was having a hard time just focusing on one idea or feeling from the book. I’m halfway through the 200 page book now and I’m feeling frustrated, and I think that feeling has changed about a dozen times in between, and will continue to be fleeting. You see the central themes of the book, given in small doses of short stories are this: the simple yet powerful wisdom of the Toltec, self-love, and how self-love allows you to be in a loving, completely non-fear based relationship.

The thing that kind of frustrated me right off the bat about book was Ruiz’s explanation of emotional scars, that when they don’t heal, turn into emotional poison. The basic premise of this was that since we are born into the society we are born in to this fate is predestined. He basically makes it sound like anyone reading the book is damaged goods, but says it in a way, like hey, that’s okay, because we are all damaged from emotional scars that can turn into poison. The trick is to heal what you can. Accept everything outside yourself you have no control over. And accept yourself. He says we are ever only responsible for one half of a relationship, and that’s our half, not our partners half.

One of the stories I really liked was about the man that didn’t believe in love. He said love didn’t exist because in all relationships there is the addict, and then the supplier to the addict. One day the man that didn’t believe in love saw a girl crying and he asked the girl why she was crying. She said I don’t believe in love. The man thought this was fantastic that someone shared his idea about love and they become the bestest of friends. Then after becoming friends the man said, I know this sounds crazy but I think this feeling I feel for you is love. The girl reciprocated and said I think this feeling I have for you is love. Then one day the man caught his happiness within a star in the sky and he grabbed it. He was so excited to share his happiness with the girl he loved. He placed the star, his happiness, in the palm of the girl’s hand, and she immediately shattered it. Ruiz says, who was wrong, the guy or the girl? The guy was wrong, Ruiz says, because he was holding the girl responsible for his happiness, when he put the star, his happiness, in her hands, and this immediately became too much for her. The moral: we are the only ones responsible for our happiness. 

So as of right now, my confusion from the book Ruiz would just label fear, is okay. Maybe by the time I finish it in another week or so, that fear will leave and be replaced with love. I’ve picked out some good passages from the book below , and hope you all take something from it and enjoy. No one said the journey to self discovery and self acceptance would be a cakewalk. 

Opening up my heart chakra,

The awesome single girl