I’m a millennial, making it into the classification of the age group born throughout the 80’s and 90’s. I was an eighties baby, like that really matters? In the grand scheme of things? Nah, it doesn’t matter at all. I’m in my thirties however, and I’ve never been married and exhausted online dating to the max. I’m also taking stock in the enormous amount of intense energy going on lately, you see, we just had another Mercury retrograde that was in the sign of Gemini. The retrograde lasted from the end of May until June 10ish. In my world, instead of just screwing with communication and technology like a retrograde tends to do, it had a personal affect on me of nostalgia. I feel I was nostalgic to the point of it being pretty detrimental. I even had an old family friend say, “hey, I’ve been stuck before too, I don’t want to see you do that for too long.” I listened to Bush’s Swallowed, a 1996 or 1997 release? Also posted an old picture of my family asking why I couldn’t be that skinny again. The whole nine yards.
All this made me really reflective. What do I want to change, what do I want romantically, what do I have the control to change? I was all focused on my heart chakra but maybe a better intention would have been to my solar plexus chakra, the chakra of power, the chakra of your in depth identity. To give background on my past, and understanding how those two chakras are dysfunctional with me, before the age of full blown internet dating, I had two previous guys I lived with that caused some scarring.
The first one I met when I was only 22, he was about six years older than me. He had a drinking problem, but I still thought he he was best thing next to sliced bread. We lived together after a reasonable amount of time dating, a little less than a year. I was working and still going to school since I was younger, and he was only working. So, you see our pages were all off. He was on chapter 9, I was only on chapter 4. I eventually started drinking more when I lived with him. There were fights but nothing abusive in the fighting so to speak. He ended up cheating on me when he was away for business in Amsterdam. Yep, one of those window girls. I was young and thought I was in love with him. I tried to salvage the whole thing but knew it would end soarly because of the cheating. The question I always asked myself, did it matter less because it wasn’t someone he was in love with? Of course it didn’t matter. Being my over analytical self I even preyed out more information from him than I should’ve even wasted my energy on.
The second guy I lived with I met online. He was crazy about me, and had a great family. I fell more in love with his family than I did with him. He moved himself in to my place only after a month of knowing me. Only a few more months after that we moved in together, just the two of us. He was a bigger guy when we met but he gained over thirty pounds over the course of our two year relationship. He was physically and verbally abusive by the end of it all. Serious crap I should have never forgave more than once. By the second time, I said, no more. The respect in the relationship by that point was nonexistent. And believe me ladies, the emotional abuse part of that is just as serious. Read the warning signs of an emotionally abusive relationship here. This guy didn’t give up, and years after our breakup I had to change my phone number because he was cyber stalking me through emails and text.
After that relationship ended, I was already almost 28 or 29. It took me 6 months to even think about dating. My sister tried to set me up once or twice with no luck of even a face to face meeting working out. So I went back to the online dating, using it now for years without success. With online dating I feel I’ve met guys I had intellectual connections with but no physical connection and obviously vice versa. So many guys out there now are only looking for a fling, a sugar mama, or a supermodel. I don’t desire to be part of any of that, not even the fling part anymore. It’s easy to lose yourself in another’s bigger issue, or lose yourself in your past, or even in your own fears. It’s okay. That’s where control comes in. It’s not just outer control either. It’s control inside yourself. Your inner world reflects your outer world. It may mean a conversation you want to have with someone that will never happen, it may mean saying I love you to someone that doesn’t say it back, or it may just mean an unbalanced amount of control to one person in the relationship. That’s life. We all have soulmates, and you can definitely have more than one, that are there to just teach you lessons. So I say pay attention, even if that soulmate doesn’t stay in the picture long.
I decided to write about all this when I normally would feel too inhibited to do so as a release. It’s my way of saying enough about the past, it’s time for new beginnings. It’s time to let go and move on. So I may have never been married but I could’ve still had the domestic violence or petty cash civil court cases. I’ve could’ve had a lot worse off scernios, but court wasn’t my past. My past was abusive and neglect and now that I see that, I can open my eyes to how I do these same things to myself. I can then lessen my own pain that way. The lessons are always there, and I’ll continue to search inside and out, knowing a little more today about what I want than I did yesterday. I’m looking to recharge my solar plexus chakra while still healing my heart chakra as well.
“I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone
But I still haven’t found
What I’m looking for
But I still haven’t found
What I’m looking for “- U2
Releasing to move forward,
The short and fiesty girl