Disconnected 

“I’ve had all these things before,” she whispers roughly inside her head. 

Now they seem like faint dreams. Hard to remember, with a questionable end. 

Her inner voice guides her. “Go left”, she hears, so she makes a sharp right instead. 

She talks to Angel Intuitives, Psychics, and Reiki Practitioners alike. 

They all tell her the same fight. “Your world will soon be different.”

“Shine your light,” they add. “That’s your destiny. That’s your birth right.”

“Will what’s justly mine ever find me?,” she recites. “I feel such a disconnect and such contrite.”

“This year,” they all simultaneously say, with a reassurance she easily invites.

What I learned in 2016: a personal yet always random year in review

Can I start off by saying here in South Florida it doesn’t feel like December. Sure, it has still cooled off those 2 or 3 degrees. There are lights up. There are Christmas trees and decorations starting to show up more and more since December 1st hit.  But it just doesn’t feel like December. With that, let me transition so smoothly into my first random thought. All random. All related to something I learned in 2016. It’s been one heck of a year. 

1) 

Could there BE a funnier quote  to start with, as Chandler Bing would say? No there couldn’t be. Just like Vegas: what happens in 2016 stays in 2016.  Basically no matter how much it doesn’t feel like December, no matter how many times you say, “gee this is another year that went by too freaking fast”, no matter how much you reflect on the colossal amount of universe and personal shit that went down, the year is finally ending. For those disppointed in the election results, like I was, please remain strong. Pleasant twists and turns may be in store.  Also back to the quote or meme, it also reminds me of the movie Fight Club. “First rule of fight club, never talk about fight club”. Lol. Sayonara 2016, just Sayonara! 

2) I lived with my sister for four months out of 2016, and I have to say I took a lot from the experience. My sister has a husband and a 6 year old child. She loves me and is protective of me. But being 34 years old she just found it difficult to understand my place, and what brought me to the point in my life where I had to stay with her rent free for those months. She took me in and supported me. Being somewhat psychic, I feel she felt like a Harry Potter spell or a quick point of a magic wand would fix everything. I have had over 22 jobs that haven’t lasted since 2014. She just doesn’t get it. I am grateful I got to live with her though because it taught me no one is perfect. No one’s life is perfect. They were imperfectly who they were and I was imperfectly who I was. It’s not Facebook. It’s raw real life. They were a family, so as much as I would have been happy to stay longer, I had to be nomadic once again and move. I’ve moved too much professionally and personally. That’s been my life the past few years. And especially in 2016, I am hoping to finally say I learned from it. She doesn’t have to get me. I don’t have to get her stability. She has a family. I’ve never been married yet, but I learned your marriage and family by marriage has to always come first. When it doesn’t, that’s when you have bigger problems to fry! ❤️

3)

Going with the bullets above, I think this quote is fitting and superb. The original quote is also in the book Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson, but she only uses, “hell is other people”. I talked to my therapist this year about this quote and we agreed it really is both. It’s your own lens that perceive your opinions about others. So it truly does all start with you. Hell is other people. AND hell is yourself. Food for thought. It brings my life and love for the yin yang full circle. The full circle thing is fresh in my head thanks to the awesome Gilmore Girls revival. Maybe there is such a thing as balance out there? Or maybe like I pointed out above, maybe it’s the perfect imperfections that create an individual’s idea of balance. Life is messy, but that’s what makes it beautiful. That’s what makes it exciting. 

4) I learned this year that even with being so mobile with my career and living arrangements, I can still seek and find answers. I have a great amount of intuition and psychic ability that I don’t trust. I have to learn how to harness it and its good power. It will be the thing that makes me rise. It will be the thing that makes me peak, but continuously, not only once. I decided and was guided to make a bold move and  work for myself. It’s actually one of the main reasons I haven’t posted in a while on here. It’s completely in the beginning stages, and all that doesn’t matter. It will take time. How much time? I’m not sure. But isn’t, time anyways, all relative? It will make things sync in my life.  And what’s better than that really? 
5) 

6) 

Finally, when someone pushes you down, please remember this quote. You are perfect just the way you are. I’m still learning to forgive myself. I can forgive others a little too easily, but I must forgive myself. I’m highly sensitive, I’m emotional, and in all my imperfections, I am perfect just the way I am! 

Fuck resolutions, this is 2017 we’re talking about,

SG

The work crush, Law of Attraction, and Tinder. 

How do those three things even go together?..lol, read and find out below my loves!!

In my previous post, New to tinder, I talked about a work crush I had, and since that post I was getting over it and not acting all nervous around him. I can say I actually succeeded and let it go. That post was in April. Looking back at this past week in the present, a whole lot went down. It’s universal, vibrational, and law of attraction based at its finest. I was working two jobs for most of this month…the retail job I worked with the work crush at and a newer office job. The office job upped my hours, so then it become a decision between the two and being upfront about the hours with the retail job. The census across the board was that it would be best and in my favor to resign from the retail job and only focus on the day office job. I was relived, yet a little sad…it was kind of bitter sweet.  The resign happened this Thursday.  Friday was the start of Memorial day weekend. Saturday night I decided to go reactivate my Tinder account. What happens next is where the amazing law of attraction comes into play. The work crush, only two days after I resigned from the job where we worked together, popped up on my beautiful iPhone screen, inside the red fire flame and white background border icon of the conspicuous app known as Tinder. He  super liked me. This is like a right swipe of approval but instead of wondering what would happen if I swiped right, it allowed me to see it sitting there especially since I couldn’t bring myself to move from his page on Saturday night for a solid hour. I saw it highlighted with the superlike at 4:30am and wasn’t asleep until after 5. The superlike is that blue star one below.


So I decided to sleep on it. I had no other choice in the matter in my mind. I was also convinced he really didn’t like me while we worked together the entire five and a half months. So, sleep deprived I even looked up articles for help. This Tinder article states options of what to do when you do run into someone you know on Tinder. They say you can do a polite hello, swipe right like a narcissist just to see what they’d do even if you really aren’t interested, or be as direct as fuck, and use Tinder for what Tinder is known for: a hookup. Yep, the latter happened. We met up by Sunday evening and it was clear as day that he wasn’t looking for a relationship but definitely eager and interested in the physical. It was a completely awkward meetup for several reasons beyond Tinder and already knowing him. We couldn’t even do what the young, cool kids nowadays are calling Netflix and chill because we both had living situations, aka roommates, that didn’t permit random guests. I only had one roommate to have that agreement with. He. Had. Seven!!!!!! Yes, you read that correct. Seven male roommates to be exact. The period, spacing, and explaination points all are only to add more unneeded emphasis.  You can pick up your jaw now. And I have to ask the lovely Universe, bringing up the law of attraction: if like attracts like, why is this example of mine “a like” attracting something still five steps behind the like or similar. Oh, my mistake, make that seven steps behind. Oh, you’re  not looking for a relationship when we don’t even have the comfort of a bed or bedroom to engage in these adult activities?? The evidence of the vibrational law of attraction match can  be found in the only hooking up aspect. Well, duh, what thirty something (we’re both in our thirties) that doesn’t even have a living situation that allows privacy or guests can really lead to anything serious?  I guess while analyzing about how much of a mismatch this all is, I ended up talking myself  into realizing how much of a match frequency, vibrationally, and law of attraction wise it actually is. Burn on myself!  At the same time, it’s exactly what I asked for, or ordered, so to speak. 

Since the meetup options threw out there was the beach or the park, the park won. We first tried a  super uncomfortable nature trail spot, that even with a thick sheet down you could feel every single pine needle though the sheet.  The good part is that’s when the making out started though. I stepped in and said we had to move. It just wasn’t comfortable in the slightest. He obliged. We found an equestrian spot across the street to park my car at, and it was empty, so we stayed parked. Then the rest that followed:  Yada Yada Yada. 

Yes, it’s fun to Yada over the best part. The car at least provided the comfort of air condition. But even with the Yada, Yada, yadas I set a boundary of no sex given the restraints of a car or else being fully outside. The work crush was a little strange and hard to read throughout the experience.  I can say confidently I was not the only one acting socially awkward. He was keeping the conversations down to a bare minimum obviously. Like I just said, he was completely unreadable, which is supposed to be an unattractive quality, but definitely didn’t get in the way of the fooling around. Being an empath, maybe not reading any emotions from him was a good thing.  My approach and awkwardness was somewhat the opposite  of his, and I was talking nervously and asking a lot of questions…but making my words fumble, my sentences too long, and my words seemed all too wordy compared to his blunt responses. Also, my hearing loss being so bad and having to say what a million times  didn’t help the awkwardness meter.  And well, my biggest fault in summary: being too nice. I learned from social media that he liked Harry Potter, so I even joked and said I’d be in Hufflepuff or the one Luna Lovegood was in (which is Ravenclaw by the way). But again, I was awkward. At the time, I couldn’t even remember the Luna character’s name. 

To conclude this way longer than necessary story, at least we gained the fun that was set out to have. I’m totally okay with that. I’m okay with waiting longer to meet my tall, hazel eyed, funny guy that gets me. Until he does show up, this fun will do. The quickness of the work crush popping out of the woodworks right after I left my job was all to good to not share though. The story as a whole was too good to not share. Thanks Tinder. You really are a gem. 

Social graces are not for the socially awkward?? Goodnight fellow singles,

SG 

Another letter to the Universe, aka A letter to myself

Dear Universe,      

I thought I wouldn’t have to talk to you again so soon. You are throwing out all these lessons for me to learn, but you see, I’m not learning them. The same things are repeating in my life. The lessons are repeating freakishly the same…that I have to ask, will I ever learn them? Will I learn them soon? 

I’m tired of always looking for good inside of shit, or worrying too much of the future or living too much in the past. Please, please, I know you got this. I got this too. Bring me peace so that the externals won’t look as bad, and will start not to matter as much. Bring me unconditional love, for myself and from a significant other. I will not tolerate feeling lonely anymore. There are too many great people out there. I have to just meet them first. Bring me financial and creative freedom. I am tired of being bored. Bring me action…this stagnancy is like a prison. Like I said, we got this. Bring on the change, bring on the good. When we talk again I’m hoping it will only be a follow-up thank you with a dash of peace. Amen.  And so it is. 

 Below are a couple appropriate passages from the Change me prayers book by Silver: 
   

  
 

Let me learn my lessons and move gracefully forward,

SG 

Randomness again: the personal, yet beautifully random edition 

I was doing some thinking about all the things I learned this past year. But then I thought to myself that limits me,  and let’s face it, you can learn something new every single day. So you rockstar singles out there reading this, here I present to you some hardcore randomness. Most of it may be personal, some of it may not. I just hope you take away from it, if not knowledge then maybe some heart. 

1) I struggle with balance, and I have struggled with it  for just about every day  of my thirty-three years of life.  It’s a constant battle with resistance and is massively getting in the way of my dreams. It’s getting in the way of my fulfillment. What you resist , persists. Well,  fuck me! Why the fuck can’t I let things go? It’s a constant battle with my inner world too. Although  as an introvert, I have quite a fascinating inner, spiritual retreat. The only problem with that is that it tends to make you a loner. I feel frustrated, confused, or misunderstood almost daily. Then there are the days I don’t even have the patience for kindness. It’s a work in progress. I’m learning a simple, yet deep knowledge about people: you have no control how they react, you can only control how you react. Keeping that in mind,  I hope I find my balance. Then completely replace fear with love. 

  
2) I would like my soul back. My beautiful, funny, quirky, lively, energetic, enthusiastic, hard working, independent, feisty soul. I want it back. Yeah, you read that right. You know the one maybe you took that night I had too much red wine, or was it that night I had too much beer? Or was it the night you finally stopped lying? Or the night I was completely sober, and maybe there was nothing left for you to take anymore and definitely nothing you had left to give. 

3) This February 22nd marked a year sober from alcohol for me. I can not begin to express how difficult this journey has been for me. It took countless cups of coffee, maybe a half dozen sodas, and a couple of smoothies. But because I love to overthink and analyze, let’s read between the lines here. I may have stopped one addiction that was really bad for my relationships and my body, but in turn I replaced it with a new vice. I am addicted to social media. It’s bad, and I have no answer as of yet just what to do to resolve it. I’m wasting time online instead of living, even though I suppose some days are better than others. It can definitely go back to number one on this list, and that ever-omnipresent word of balance. I guess I was hoping not drinking would magically plop a husband down on my lap. Yeah that didn’t happen. Help me lose weight? Nope. Help with my career? Yeah, that didn’t happen either. Maybe with some more focus and gratitude it will bring about the changes I crave. But I still have quite a road ahead of myself. 

4)  I’m focusing on grounding and my root chakra in order to create more stable income and a stable home life for myself. Saying the affirmation: I am easily and effortlessly able to support myself. I think it’s been helping already. I even attended a grounding class last month recommended to me by my life coach. I’m learning slowly that maybe the answer to this is to stop with all these external sources for answers and just look within and inside myself. 

5) Here’s my latest gratitude list, I think it was an awesome one: I am grateful for: Affirmations you can say anytime. I’m grateful for understanding repetitive patterns and looking inside myself for answers and solutions to these repeating experiences. Learn, learn some more, then grow. I’m grateful for my Moms Yorkie…this dog’s welcome to me never disappoints. I’m grateful for a quiet coffee shop, time to myself, and taking care of responsibilities. Im grateful for good research and really urge all of you beautiful people to research more everyday until the primary elections. I’m grateful for Cold stone ice cream, and I even splurged and had it three times this month! Have you had their banana ice cream?!? Pure heaven in a cup. Lol. I’m grateful for a surprise gift given to me from my sister. No doubt her and I have lived many past lives together and I love her to pieces. I’m grateful for the universe having my back. My thoughts will ricochet to positive one after positive one, creating even more miracles. And thank you God and angels for opening my heart, even if just a smidgen more than it was yesterday. 
  
6) I’m getting help with employment  through a vocational rehabilitation now due to having hearing loss. I have to come up with three jobs I think I could keep long term. All I know is since I’m an empath, anything that isn’t a retail job and isn’t mass customer service based is what will help me. You see, all I’ve been able to land the past two years is  only retail based jobs because I am resisting it. (Remember…what we resist, persists.) I know I am good at research, I’m good at data entry, I’m good at organizing. I’m good at intuition, but never trust it. How do I pinpoint that to three jobs? Well, I’ll be praying something fantastic comes out of it. I’m ready.  And throwing fear to the curb and dumpster. 

 

To conclude, this beautiful radio tune just seems somewhat randomly appropriate:

Tomorrow is always a start over-SG