I’ve met my soulmate. And after almost 7 years of inconsistent, painful, and for the most part dubious dating experiences…I have finally moved on. I thank you all for the lessons you’ve taught me, no matter how hard they might’ve been. No matter how big or small. I’ve definitely learned the lessons. I forgive you all, and I forgive myself too. Everyone has a past. Everyone is imperfect. My life on the surface looks out of control. I regularly absorb a mess of beautiful chaos that’s hard to predict from day to day, so I could understand if that’d be too much to handle full time.
I thank you for the time you spent with me, no matter how little, too much, or sporadic it might’ve been. I have to apologize to the couple of you that I would see randomly over the years if I seemed like a different person every time we’d get together. A drinker and a sober person are worlds apart. And believe me, you guys also seemed different every time too. I appreciate that this has molded me into the chick I am today.
The scars you left on my heart will always remain, but I’ve moved on. Finally. I hope you all experience happiness, love, and inner peace.
It’s amazing to me that this will only be my second or so random list post on this blog. Well, because I love lists, and variety is the spice of life, baby. So here i go, and it’ll be just as therapeutic as ranting:
1) So as an avid or maybe not so avid online dater, I’m back doing the online dating thing. I had a date last week, and talking hardcore to a different guy that I have interest in on one of the sites. My lesson to myself is this though, if I’m seeking communication and respect, why would it make sense to accept someone stringing me along for a pointless ride? Well, if you let go of fear, you’re left with love. And if you have love none of that matters much anyways. You just say okay, you’re not available for me…NEXT!! Read up on the warnings signs that a guy is stringing you along here.
2) Well, going hand in hand with that, don’t let people walk all over you. A reoccurring lesson in my love life since I was even a teenager is that I give the wrong people too many chances and too much of my attention, when they are only using me for the temporary fix of attention to boost their own ego. No more!! The number one way to combat desperation in love is self-love. Once you love yourself and respect yourself, others follow foot or lead so to speak) I have been a self-help reading junkie lately, and taking a lot from it. I’ve read Oprah’s What I know for sure, and moved on to Jen Sincero’s, You are a badass. The online reviews swayed me a little bit for Oprah’s book. I loved that she quoted Tolle several times, and even Ruiz, but her 1% was definitely showing throughout the book. Perfect example was when she talking about shopping at Tiffany’s in the late nineties and she was debating between two pieces and was reminded by a friend she could afford both. She talks down about having any kind of debt, which was another hard pill to swallow given the source. The Jen Sincero book has a great reference section at the end that lists all the books she used to write hers. Even if you decide not to read it, look at it for that alone. You’ll be glad you did.
4) The attitude of graditude will change your life. This is a promise. The Universe is an overflowingly abundant universe, and if you practice graditide daily, the rewards will come reaping in. I suppose I’m pitching a graditude journal. I’m starting to work on this myself. Major game changer. Just breath and believe! If what you have is plenty, more will come pouring in. Quite naturally I may add.
5) Stole this gem from a Teal Swan YouTube video. Awesomeness. Awesome randomness
6) This guy Matthew Hussey has a ton of YouTube videos on dating. Besides being easy on the eyes, having confident mannerisms, and a heaven of a sexy voice, his tips are all relevant, helpful, and modern. Anything from first date tips, how to boost attraction, to why shy can come across as boring. Can I get a amen for finding this guy?? I’ve always held strong opinions about if guys and girls can just be friends and he explains, attraction to others and outside will always be there, but if the choice of loyalty takes the front plate, you will have a partner that’s faithful to you. In my mind, the answer is a flat out no. To each their own, and every relationship is different.
6) What I know for sure or what I’ve learned this past month: I desire to always keep learning. Discover, take eventful full leaps of faith, and act in this game called life.
Count your blessings, always. Randomness out.
I’m a millennial, making it into the classification of the age group born throughout the 80’s and 90’s. I was an eighties baby, like that really matters? In the grand scheme of things? Nah, it doesn’t matter at all. I’m in my thirties however, and I’ve never been married and exhausted online dating to the max. I’m also taking stock in the enormous amount of intense energy going on lately, you see, we just had another Mercury retrograde that was in the sign of Gemini. The retrograde lasted from the end of May until June 10ish. In my world, instead of just screwing with communication and technology like a retrograde tends to do, it had a personal affect on me of nostalgia. I feel I was nostalgic to the point of it being pretty detrimental. I even had an old family friend say, “hey, I’ve been stuck before too, I don’t want to see you do that for too long.” I listened to Bush’s Swallowed, a 1996 or 1997 release? Also posted an old picture of my family asking why I couldn’t be that skinny again. The whole nine yards.
All this made me really reflective. What do I want to change, what do I want romantically, what do I have the control to change? I was all focused on my heart chakra but maybe a better intention would have been to my solar plexus chakra, the chakra of power, the chakra of your in depth identity. To give background on my past, and understanding how those two chakras are dysfunctional with me, before the age of full blown internet dating, I had two previous guys I lived with that caused some scarring.
The first one I met when I was only 22, he was about six years older than me. He had a drinking problem, but I still thought he he was best thing next to sliced bread. We lived together after a reasonable amount of time dating, a little less than a year. I was working and still going to school since I was younger, and he was only working. So, you see our pages were all off. He was on chapter 9, I was only on chapter 4. I eventually started drinking more when I lived with him. There were fights but nothing abusive in the fighting so to speak. He ended up cheating on me when he was away for business in Amsterdam. Yep, one of those window girls. I was young and thought I was in love with him. I tried to salvage the whole thing but knew it would end soarly because of the cheating. The question I always asked myself, did it matter less because it wasn’t someone he was in love with? Of course it didn’t matter. Being my over analytical self I even preyed out more information from him than I should’ve even wasted my energy on.
The second guy I lived with I met online. He was crazy about me, and had a great family. I fell more in love with his family than I did with him. He moved himself in to my place only after a month of knowing me. Only a few more months after that we moved in together, just the two of us. He was a bigger guy when we met but he gained over thirty pounds over the course of our two year relationship. He was physically and verbally abusive by the end of it all. Serious crap I should have never forgave more than once. By the second time, I said, no more. The respect in the relationship by that point was nonexistent. And believe me ladies, the emotional abuse part of that is just as serious. Read the warning signs of an emotionally abusive relationship here. This guy didn’t give up, and years after our breakup I had to change my phone number because he was cyber stalking me through emails and text.
After that relationship ended, I was already almost 28 or 29. It took me 6 months to even think about dating. My sister tried to set me up once or twice with no luck of even a face to face meeting working out. So I went back to the online dating, using it now for years without success. With online dating I feel I’ve met guys I had intellectual connections with but no physical connection and obviously vice versa. So many guys out there now are only looking for a fling, a sugar mama, or a supermodel. I don’t desire to be part of any of that, not even the fling part anymore. It’s easy to lose yourself in another’s bigger issue, or lose yourself in your past, or even in your own fears. It’s okay. That’s where control comes in. It’s not just outer control either. It’s control inside yourself. Your inner world reflects your outer world. It may mean a conversation you want to have with someone that will never happen, it may mean saying I love you to someone that doesn’t say it back, or it may just mean an unbalanced amount of control to one person in the relationship. That’s life. We all have soulmates, and you can definitely have more than one, that are there to just teach you lessons. So I say pay attention, even if that soulmate doesn’t stay in the picture long.
I decided to write about all this when I normally would feel too inhibited to do so as a release. It’s my way of saying enough about the past, it’s time for new beginnings. It’s time to let go and move on. So I may have never been married but I could’ve still had the domestic violence or petty cash civil court cases. I’ve could’ve had a lot worse off scernios, but court wasn’t my past. My past was abusive and neglect and now that I see that, I can open my eyes to how I do these same things to myself. I can then lessen my own pain that way. The lessons are always there, and I’ll continue to search inside and out, knowing a little more today about what I want than I did yesterday. I’m looking to recharge my solar plexus chakra while still healing my heart chakra as well.
“I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone
But I still haven’t found
What I’m looking for
But I still haven’t found
What I’m looking for “- U2
Releasing to move forward,
The short and fiesty girl